Hymns for all types of people

The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn.............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy,Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn............Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn.......................I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn...................Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn.......................Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn............Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn....................How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn....A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zookeeper's Hymn..............All Creatures of Our God & King
The Postal Worker's Hymn.................So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn......................Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn................Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn...................Rescue the Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn....................Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn.............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn...............It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn................Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn...................Rock of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn..........Are You Washed in the Blood?
The Menswear Clerk's Hymn..............Blest Be the Tie
The Umpire's Hymn......................I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn...................Whispering Hope

Something Religious

The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed,  and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.  Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of  my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said,  'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could,  I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "Amen."

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Laws of Parenting

The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
Toys multiply to fill any space available.
The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Taking The Stand

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes Sir", answered the boy

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

Murphy's Laws On Work

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Gentle Humor

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Warning Signs That You Need a New Doctor

The patient before you was a goat.

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."

Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.

Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

You can beat him in a game of Operation.

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

One Liners

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.

Reading on Vacation

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster ... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

The Visit

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear" she asked.

The little boy replied "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the doggone walls if you came to visit us again."

Lines women can use to counteract those tacky chat-up lines used by men.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Funny One-Liners:

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

"The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

"Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'"

"Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

"The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."

"22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why."

"A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

"Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir."

"On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."

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