Where'd We Get Him?

Little Billy's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Billy."

Billy says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Quick Takes

Money Talks ... but all mine ever says is Goodbye!

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Babies and hand grenades are similar.
Pull the pins on both and you may have a large surprise.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.

You know it is going to be a bad day when: you confuse your chemical mace for your inhaler!

Playing House . . .

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Gone to Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

I was once given the following advice by a secretary:
"It's better to remain silent and be thought stupid than to open your mouth and forever remove all doubt."

Says one humorist: "Life is unfair.
I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them.
I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them.
I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.
I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."


Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."
To which Churchill retorted, "And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"

Funny newspaper headlines:

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

The Policeman

A man is stretched across the sidewalk and a policeman walks up and says, "OK Mac, get up now or I'll have to take you in."
The man just stays there and moans.
So the policeman says, "State your name and where you're from."
The man mumbles, "I'm Joe. I'm from the balcony."

Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Her Learner's Permit

A TEENAGER who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a wild ride, they finally reached their destination.
The driver's mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you."
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

The Ticket

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator.

Well, not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"

John did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was following his wife's directions.

He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."

A man who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him that he was on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The man agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the man had completed 4 miles on his first day, double the average! "Great," he told him, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the man only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, he's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage him. I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the man only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to him before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"

The man replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Broken Phone

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

Quotes from Famous Biblical Mothers

Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)

David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

Truths and principles for better living...

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

Jonah

A little girl was talking to her teacher about fishes.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though a fish can be a very large animal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a fish.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Hypnotic Suggestion 

 Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool or yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

Male Or Female?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-in-flated.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Gossip

Sarah was the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house............... AND he left it there all night.

What the Doctor Says & What He Really Means!

"Well, what have we here...?"
--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
--- I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something
that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you
for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
--- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
--- The drug company slipped me some big bucks
to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
--- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Making a Good Impression

Trying to make a good impression on his boss, the young executive decided to work late one night. When he stepped out of his office to get some coffee, he noticed his boss standing at the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
His boss stopped him and asked, "Do you know how to work this doggone thing?"

"Yes sir, it's actually quite simple." replied the young man. He then took the paper from his boss's hand and fed it threw the shredder.

"Why thank you, young man," his boss said. "A couple of copies would be just fine."

How Was The Sermon?

The pastor's wife is often his best friend... or severest critic. Realizing that her pastor husband did not have a good feeling about the sermon he had just delivered a few moments earlier, she asked, "So Honey, how do you feel about the service today?"

"It was a good worship service," he responded in a somber tone, "the sermon just never got off the ground."

Before she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth, she replied, "well, it sure taxied long enough!"

Minister’s Problems

One day at a local minister's fraternal meeting, the clergy present decided to pray more openly for each other.

At one point the Anglican minister confessed of his problem with alcohol. Everyone was rather touched by his candor and so the Catholic minister confessed that he had an addiction to gambling . Then the Baptist minister opened up about his struggles with pornography. Before long the Pentecostal minister began to come clean about some tax evasion.

This only left the Churches of Christ minister. After a brief pause he said: "Well ... I don't know how to say this, but ... I have a terrible problem with gossip and I just can't wait to get out of here!"

War Strategy.......

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Wisdom to Live By

1) The early bird still has to eat worms.

2) I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

3) The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

4) Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

5) Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

6) Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

7) My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

8) Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

9) If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

10) Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

His Afterlife

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I was a good wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Dumb Crook

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

• Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
• Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
• Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
• Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
• Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
• Moses: "The Wanderer"
• Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
• Samson: "Hair"
• Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
• Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
• Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
• Peter: "I'm Sorry"
• Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
• Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
• Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
• The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
• Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
• Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
• Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
• Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Bulletin Bloopers

*Sermon Outline:
     Delineate your fear.
     Disown your fear.
     Displace your rear.

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

More Bulletin Bloopers

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

*Thank you dead friends.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.

*We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

Love vs. Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant, Marriage is burger & fries at McDonalds..

Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children; Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early; Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is losing your appetite; Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear; Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"

Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument

Love is driving to 'lover’s lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket

Signs

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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