Laughs, Part 3

Sunday Service

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
 

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do. "

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.

Diner Guest

A young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
 
"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Strange and Funny Signs

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Quickies

What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible? It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed!!!

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Did you hear about the web site with eye exercises to help alleviate eye strain when you've been working on-line too long?
It's a site for sore eyes.

Definitions...

Paradox: a couple of physicians.

Stalemate: your ex-husband.

Kleptomanica: the gift of grab

Hotel: a place where you trade dollars for quarters.

Privatize: Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, and Mike Hammer.

Snowplow: a mechanical device used to fill in the end of your driveway as soon as you finish shoveling it.

Minimum: a very tiny mother from England.

Alimony: 'bye now, pay later.

The One-Wish Genie - Ladies Version

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "O.K., you win . . . Let me see that map again."

Relatives

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

Training Courses Women Wished Every Man Had

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
Accepting Loss: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

At The Shopping Mall

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Marriage Thoughts to Ponder?

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past . . . but never the present.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.


SQUIRRELS

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will?

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

Only the third church succeeded in keeping away the pests. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The Upstairs Neighbors

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"

His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?

"No - it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet."

Help wanted ads, what they really mean

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Strange and Unusual

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

Flowers

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card.

"You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John.

"Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."

Tell It Like It Is

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

What gender is a computer?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you'd waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with others is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

One Liners

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years ... then we met.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Travel is very educational.  I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. 

Playing House . . .

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Bad Translations

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

Some friends from England visited us a few years back. Their teenage daughter got a huge laugh from the name of an airline back then: The Trump Shuttle (Donald Trump's airline). They said in England, "Trump" translated into "fart!"

Microsoft's Windows '95 ad slogan, translated into Japanese: "If you don't know where you want to go, we'll make sure you get taken."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world.

One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer."

"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under Occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self- esteem.'" --Robin Roberts

Quickies

I was once given the following advice by a secretary: "It's better to remain silent and be thought stupid than to open your mouth and forever remove all doubt."

Says one humorist: "Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."

Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea." To which Churchill retorted, "And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"

Funny newspaper headlines:

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Men Are Like.......

Place-mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Smiles From The Bible

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Doctor's Mistake

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted famous doctor was asked by a reporter:

"Tell me, Doctor, did you ever make any really serious mistakes in your career?"

"Yes, I did," came the doctor's reply with a heavy sigh . . . .

. . . . "I once cured a millionaire in one visit."

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